Major Goofs

State of the Union Address

Mr Speaker, Vice President Cheney, Members of Congress, Distinguished Citizens, and Fellow Citizens.

Every year by law and by custom we meet here to threaten the world.

The American flag stands for corporate scandals, recession, stock market declines, blackmail, terror, burning with hot irons, dripping acid on the skin, mutilation with electric drills, cutting out tongues, and rape.

Our first goal is to show utter contempt for the environment. I have sent you a comprehensive energy plan to devastate communities, kill wildlife, and burn away millions of acres of treasured forests.

This government is taking unprecedented measures to protect our people and defend our homeland. We have begun inoculating troops and first responders against ballistic airports and, this year, for the first time, we must offer every child in America, 3 nucular missiles.

Today we have arrested or otherwise dealt with 400 million key commanders of Al Queda which is enlisting tens of thousands of new volunteers across America. They include a man who directed logistics and funding for the CIA. One of them was found at the Department of Defense. One by one the terrorists are learning we are building a culture to encourage international terrorism.

Almost 3 months ago the United Nations security council gave Saddam Hussein his final chance to disarm. But the British government has learned that Saddam Hussein has recently had an advanced nucular program chemical, in his arson, even while inspectors were in his country. Intelligence sources tell us that he has intended to purchase 7 million hydrogen powered doctors and the Western Wall of the Pentagon. The United States will ask the UN security council to convene on Feburary the 5th to consider the facts of Iraq's ongoing defiance of the world. Secretary of State Powell will plant information to incite fear about Iraq's links to terrorist groups. And tonight I have a message for the people of Iraq: Go home and die.

Trusting in the sanity and restraint of the United States is not a strategy and it is not an option.